What does it mean to be single in the context of today's culture?
We have come to a point in today’s culture where it is easier to be single outside of the church than it is to be within the church. Whether intentional or not, there are divisions between members of the congregation that are married and those that are single. This challenge comes, at least in part, from the narrative that appears in certain Christian cultures where we are told over and over that marriage is the goal.
Growing up in the South, I consistently found myself surrounded by three questions: “what are you going to do after school...are you coming back home to be near your parents...and when are you going to settle down and get married.” This proliferated the idea for myself and others I knew (often female specific), that marriage was the ultimate goal. In an unhealthy sense, we were being taught that personal value grows once you become married. While this particular narrative may be specific to my southern roots, I began to see that same mentality appear as I grew up in the church.
While I don’t currently find myself in a situation where I think those around me would actually believe this, I know there was definitely a time in my own life where not only did I believe it—but I lived my life that way. I allowed the pursuit of what I thought was “the ultimate” to cloud, and remove, my focus from the things that God wanted for my life. Dating and marriage became an idol, and it took years for those foundations to shift. Years of rewriting the script to a more complete viewpoint, the biblical one that reminds us that we all have value and a place in kingdom work; both on a communal and personal level.
For my fellow single Christians, I would urge you to find contentment where you are currently. Not only for the peace that you gain when you practice contentment in God; but also so that you are not shutting yourself off to the things that He has for you. I know this is much easier said than done. Living in a culture where we are constantly waiting for life to begin, or waiting for the next phase, it is easy to conflate marriage and family with that next step. So, when that doesn’t happen on a timeline that we think is appropriate, or we feel as if we are beginning to fall behind; panic can begin to ensue. Understand, this is natural and you aren’t alone. But also know that God does not want us to panic over these things; he does not desire for his children to pause their life and diminish their own understanding of their value for a relationship that He has not promised.
God does not want us to panic over these things; he does not desire for his children to pause their life and diminish their own understanding of their value for a relationship that He has not promised.
Singles can often look to Scripture and see some main players who were single individuals, giving their lives for the ministry of the Gospel. There is Paul, Christ himself, John the Baptist, Jeremiah and more; all of these people gave their lives in full service to God—not needing a relationship status to further their reach. This is such an important thing to remember, God can use both single people and married couples in equally powerful ways. In fact, God uses who he wants, based on no discernible exact pattern that we can see or predict.
There is power in being single, but it is not in our separation from others.
There is power in being single, but it is not in our separation from others.
It is easy to think to ourselves that we do not need other people. That is true to the extent that we do not need others to complete us. But, just as there is personal worth in singleness, there is communal worth as well. I would urge that singles are both in desperate need of community and pivotal to the communities that they belong to. We cannot deny that we need other people. We were created by a God who exists in perfect community, and as his image bearers we also need one another. There are places for both the married and the singles in our communities. Places that we need to desperately acknowledge and hold up, places that we can all learn from.
Our communities today are not just divided on the lines of relationship status. We have also come to a point where we need to acknowledge the need for all the various people that we find around us. We need the married couples, the singles, the widowed, the homeless, the different, and whoever else shows up. Our community should reflect our neighborhoods, our everyday spaces; not a homogeneous unit. We see this plea in Scripture, “For just as the body is one and has many members, and all the members of the body, though many, are one body, so it is with Christ.” We are all necessary and integral.
So church, let’s look around our community and see where we are missing each other. For when one of us is missing, the entirety of the community suffers. Biblical community may look messy, and from the outside it can seem disorganized and chaotic. However, on the inside there is a thriving of human life and relationships. When we stand for one another and with one another, regardless of differences and status; we stand boldly as a church. A church that is seeking to look more like Jesus; the man who was often seen with those he shouldn’t be with. The man who never let status keep him from reaching out to someone. And the man who gave his life for the most undeserving of us all.
